that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
