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I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
