I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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