meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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