so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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