Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
