I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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