My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
