He asked me if I "almost moaned"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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