there's paper in my vomit.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
