He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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