Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
