Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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