I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
