I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
