Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
