btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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