she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
