nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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