i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
