I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
