So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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