We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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