His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
