Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You left your phone here
Wait...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
