i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
