woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
