I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
