why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
