i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
