Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
