im having a threesome with these popsicles
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
