4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
