You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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