I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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