I CAN MOONWALK!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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