He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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