Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
