New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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