I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
