Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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