I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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