I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
