He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
