I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
