who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
