we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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