wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
