Tell her she can't have a vagina
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
