Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
